This post was written sometime towards the end of my leave (end of August to early September)
I don't know about you guys, but I have to say that my life pre-baby/pre-marriage was really a blast.
For one, you don't simply ship a kampong girl to live in the United States for six years to study. I was born and raised in Brunei my entire life, then as it happened I was given the opportunity to be abroad. Like everyone else, tertiary education period is a very formative time in my life that helped shape my principles and beliefs about life. Having graduated from University of Michigan - Ann Arbor and Georgetown University for graduate school, I took my endeavors at school seriously, because towards the end of graduate school I was at risk of failing my program entirely-- not even halfway into the first semester of grad school and already I wanted to purposely quit so I could go home. -_-
Sometime before graduating from Georgetown I remember succumbing to the idea that perhaps I wouldn't mind staying solo until I turn 30, or that I don't settle down at all because some people are meant for other things to find their way to God and maybe being alone is what has been ordained for me. Thanks to the multiple heartaches and heartbreaks, really. That all changed of course when I met my husband through a blind date sometime in September 2014. I remember telling myself "if jodoh, then Alhamdulillah, if not, I have better things to do" before meeting him, and one year and six months after that fateful Saturday evening, the stranger ended up being my husband, bless.
I have to mention these parts of my life because I believe that it is for this reason some people find me weird. You should see how some my husband's mutual friends look at me the first time they met me-- it is the expression of a person trying to decipher if they have ever met me anywhere at all (read: NEVER FOLKS, NEV-EFFING-EVER). I am certain that I have come across as a bit of a brat if not an arrogant stuck-up bitch, because I just don't really smile back. It is just mindboggling to think that these curious looks still persist with some of them three years on -_-
One thing that stood out to me today as I was minding my own business with my son teasing me about his half-asleep state was the realization I had few weeks ago about being my own person and being someone's person. A few weeks before my solemnization, I received news that I was potentially going abroad for work sometime in September 2016 after husband returns home from deployment. Naturally I was thrilled because who wouldn't want to live in NEW YORK? It is like coming home! My husband (then fiance) didn't take the news all too well sadly, thinking that would mean another few months being away from each other, all within the first year of marriage, and the uncertainty of being able to go on unpaid leave. For me, that was a golden opportunity to forgo my wedding reception altogether which was what I REALLY hoped for all the while. I was very serious and adamant about being okay with just a nikah because I didn't want to spend too much when the money could be well spent on other worthy things. Telling my boss was the hardest part... rejecting the opportunity probably was the turning point when he started to think I was growing to be a difficult subordinate, when really, it was more of the fact that as a married woman I have changing priorities.
Then it hit me... I got pregnant in September 2016.
When I shared this with my husband this few days ago, he said it in a tone that says I actually got the better end of the bargain between choosing New York and marriage. Being a career woman and a working mother (but I'm on leave still), I feel this tug of war inside me: one part yearns to achieve career success, the other part just wants to stay home and nurture a young mind. It doesn't help that work had been almost unbearable to a point that I simply wanted to quit-- who wants to work when at the end of the day you come home crying? I've heard stories of moms leaving high paying jobs to venture into entrepreneurship and Alhamdulillah it works for them.. now what can I offer to be able to do that?
All these leaps of faith are pretty much us walking along His path... no matter how it turns out, it is always for the best, isn't it?
I don't know about you guys, but I have to say that my life pre-baby/pre-marriage was really a blast.
For one, you don't simply ship a kampong girl to live in the United States for six years to study. I was born and raised in Brunei my entire life, then as it happened I was given the opportunity to be abroad. Like everyone else, tertiary education period is a very formative time in my life that helped shape my principles and beliefs about life. Having graduated from University of Michigan - Ann Arbor and Georgetown University for graduate school, I took my endeavors at school seriously, because towards the end of graduate school I was at risk of failing my program entirely-- not even halfway into the first semester of grad school and already I wanted to purposely quit so I could go home. -_-
Sometime before graduating from Georgetown I remember succumbing to the idea that perhaps I wouldn't mind staying solo until I turn 30, or that I don't settle down at all because some people are meant for other things to find their way to God and maybe being alone is what has been ordained for me. Thanks to the multiple heartaches and heartbreaks, really. That all changed of course when I met my husband through a blind date sometime in September 2014. I remember telling myself "if jodoh, then Alhamdulillah, if not, I have better things to do" before meeting him, and one year and six months after that fateful Saturday evening, the stranger ended up being my husband, bless.
I have to mention these parts of my life because I believe that it is for this reason some people find me weird. You should see how some my husband's mutual friends look at me the first time they met me-- it is the expression of a person trying to decipher if they have ever met me anywhere at all (read: NEVER FOLKS, NEV-EFFING-EVER). I am certain that I have come across as a bit of a brat if not an arrogant stuck-up bitch, because I just don't really smile back. It is just mindboggling to think that these curious looks still persist with some of them three years on -_-
One thing that stood out to me today as I was minding my own business with my son teasing me about his half-asleep state was the realization I had few weeks ago about being my own person and being someone's person. A few weeks before my solemnization, I received news that I was potentially going abroad for work sometime in September 2016 after husband returns home from deployment. Naturally I was thrilled because who wouldn't want to live in NEW YORK? It is like coming home! My husband (then fiance) didn't take the news all too well sadly, thinking that would mean another few months being away from each other, all within the first year of marriage, and the uncertainty of being able to go on unpaid leave. For me, that was a golden opportunity to forgo my wedding reception altogether which was what I REALLY hoped for all the while. I was very serious and adamant about being okay with just a nikah because I didn't want to spend too much when the money could be well spent on other worthy things. Telling my boss was the hardest part... rejecting the opportunity probably was the turning point when he started to think I was growing to be a difficult subordinate, when really, it was more of the fact that as a married woman I have changing priorities.
Then it hit me... I got pregnant in September 2016.
When I shared this with my husband this few days ago, he said it in a tone that says I actually got the better end of the bargain between choosing New York and marriage. Being a career woman and a working mother (but I'm on leave still), I feel this tug of war inside me: one part yearns to achieve career success, the other part just wants to stay home and nurture a young mind. It doesn't help that work had been almost unbearable to a point that I simply wanted to quit-- who wants to work when at the end of the day you come home crying? I've heard stories of moms leaving high paying jobs to venture into entrepreneurship and Alhamdulillah it works for them.. now what can I offer to be able to do that?
All these leaps of faith are pretty much us walking along His path... no matter how it turns out, it is always for the best, isn't it?
Comments
Post a Comment