Contrary to what everyone else sees or would like to believe, I have a well-functioning conscience. Today, it is cloaked in guilt and unease, marred by the knowledge that I have the convenience of being close to work yet I still stumble over several challenges in balancing motherhood and a career.
I'm not offering excuses or doing the whole woe-is-me nonsense. I'm not venting about how my life is worse than yours or anyone else's. I am just writing to voice out the frustration I've accumulated these past few months... ones that I have never really articulated so well, save for snippets of angst over silly Instastories which some have found humor in.. phew.
First of all, I am a full-time working mother in an organisation that prides itself on being the nation's defenders... or something along those lines. Occasionally, this job demands me to work over the weekends, monitoring the world's happenings... which by the way doesn't get clocked in. Let's not forget about how it is now the norm to answer to different authorities, and God forbid the pursuit of personal glory and office politics are unbelievably nauseating.
Seasoned personnel across the spectrum would say this is just part and parcel of being in civil service to start off, and these are a few of the gazillion things junior officers have to deal with in the early years of their career. It makes my blood boil when mistakes are pointed out as if it is a death-knell. Some days I feel like screaming or talking back to respond because when I get questions, I feel it is a virtual interrogation to make you confess to an offense that was in no way intended to get someone/people in trouble... but time and again I'm told not to be unprofessional and stoop so low that way. Pretty much a ticking time bomb every single day when I come to work.
What about the end of the work day? I find myself coming home with more things to complain and rant and vent. A pessimist you'd say? Forget about staying positive and optimistic for a while.
I come home not being able to commit 110% of my energy to the remaining hours with my son before he calls it a day. Because all the energy has gone to keeping everything together and staying sane in the face of all sorts of adversity at work.
I don't have the convenience/privilege/luxury of a reliable and dependable helper (I am still seething at the agency's irresponsibility-- by the way, I don't halalkan the money they took and I hope someday they'll pay for this), so my 9-month old son goes to daycare during weekdays. I come home with a brief break before my mommy/wife duties start. Normally, I get home sometime after 5pm, and if work demands more of my time, dinner meals may either mean eating in a rush, or eating out. Knowing how indecisive I can be, dining out is a pain in the rear. Oh, and choosing a place to eat is cumbersome. I'm sure so many can relate.
It hurts me to say this, but this balancing act is killing me. Never mind that my boss thinks I'm difficult at work since becoming a wife, what more a mother... and this comes from a man whose wife is a friggin tai-tai.
And I am dying inside.
Maybe this post comes from a very demotivated self today. Maybe it's just "one of those days" where I find myself so enticed with the fantasy of living a tai-tai life when I have bills to pay (LOL).
Or more of the fact that deep down I am convinced that by the time I fulfill my contract's obligations, I will still find myself sitting behind the very same cubicle I'm in... with no progression and development in sight. I have accepted the fact that perhaps I am not cut out for civil service down the road... and if you ask me, I am fine with that. I suppose the service I have to render back just means for now, my rezeki is where I'm at... and that I am meant to be here.
His divine plans... all designed in His infinite wisdom.
But what if things change, though? Allahua'lam. I don't know.
I was heartened by Vivy Yusof's piece on mom guilt-- it's almost a universal feeling working moms get. But I feel it's a different reality when one is a mompreneur. To me, being a mompreneur means you have more control over your schedule. After all, Vivy owns FashionValet-- I don't discount the challenges she faced/is facing of course. I agree with what Anne-Marie Slaughter discussed in her phenomenal piece "Why Women Can't Have It All" that having it all means having control over your schedule. My day starts at 0600hrs and ends at 2200hrs at the earliest... and to top it all off, I have pumping and nursing sessions in between. And my work still gets done no matter what.
And that's being difficult/lazy?
This morning's tazkirah touched on rezeki and work. I forgot what the words were exactly, but the main point is that Allah provides... up to us to look for it. And for me, I pray that by being the source of love and light and happiness for my husband and son would be the source of blessings and barakah in my life. Not by some day job that has turned into something I dread waking up to in the morning.
The next time you see me going to work half-assed, or think that I am not putting my heart into my job, I hope you have this in mind: this is just a day job. I have other responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, and believe me when I say you will never know the struggle of holding everything together until you become a parent.
I'm not offering excuses or doing the whole woe-is-me nonsense. I'm not venting about how my life is worse than yours or anyone else's. I am just writing to voice out the frustration I've accumulated these past few months... ones that I have never really articulated so well, save for snippets of angst over silly Instastories which some have found humor in.. phew.
First of all, I am a full-time working mother in an organisation that prides itself on being the nation's defenders... or something along those lines. Occasionally, this job demands me to work over the weekends, monitoring the world's happenings... which by the way doesn't get clocked in. Let's not forget about how it is now the norm to answer to different authorities, and God forbid the pursuit of personal glory and office politics are unbelievably nauseating.
Seasoned personnel across the spectrum would say this is just part and parcel of being in civil service to start off, and these are a few of the gazillion things junior officers have to deal with in the early years of their career. It makes my blood boil when mistakes are pointed out as if it is a death-knell. Some days I feel like screaming or talking back to respond because when I get questions, I feel it is a virtual interrogation to make you confess to an offense that was in no way intended to get someone/people in trouble... but time and again I'm told not to be unprofessional and stoop so low that way. Pretty much a ticking time bomb every single day when I come to work.
What about the end of the work day? I find myself coming home with more things to complain and rant and vent. A pessimist you'd say? Forget about staying positive and optimistic for a while.
I come home not being able to commit 110% of my energy to the remaining hours with my son before he calls it a day. Because all the energy has gone to keeping everything together and staying sane in the face of all sorts of adversity at work.
I don't have the convenience/privilege/luxury of a reliable and dependable helper (I am still seething at the agency's irresponsibility-- by the way, I don't halalkan the money they took and I hope someday they'll pay for this), so my 9-month old son goes to daycare during weekdays. I come home with a brief break before my mommy/wife duties start. Normally, I get home sometime after 5pm, and if work demands more of my time, dinner meals may either mean eating in a rush, or eating out. Knowing how indecisive I can be, dining out is a pain in the rear. Oh, and choosing a place to eat is cumbersome. I'm sure so many can relate.
It hurts me to say this, but this balancing act is killing me. Never mind that my boss thinks I'm difficult at work since becoming a wife, what more a mother... and this comes from a man whose wife is a friggin tai-tai.
And I am dying inside.
Maybe this post comes from a very demotivated self today. Maybe it's just "one of those days" where I find myself so enticed with the fantasy of living a tai-tai life when I have bills to pay (LOL).
Or more of the fact that deep down I am convinced that by the time I fulfill my contract's obligations, I will still find myself sitting behind the very same cubicle I'm in... with no progression and development in sight. I have accepted the fact that perhaps I am not cut out for civil service down the road... and if you ask me, I am fine with that. I suppose the service I have to render back just means for now, my rezeki is where I'm at... and that I am meant to be here.
His divine plans... all designed in His infinite wisdom.
But what if things change, though? Allahua'lam. I don't know.
I was heartened by Vivy Yusof's piece on mom guilt-- it's almost a universal feeling working moms get. But I feel it's a different reality when one is a mompreneur. To me, being a mompreneur means you have more control over your schedule. After all, Vivy owns FashionValet-- I don't discount the challenges she faced/is facing of course. I agree with what Anne-Marie Slaughter discussed in her phenomenal piece "Why Women Can't Have It All" that having it all means having control over your schedule. My day starts at 0600hrs and ends at 2200hrs at the earliest... and to top it all off, I have pumping and nursing sessions in between. And my work still gets done no matter what.
And that's being difficult/lazy?
This morning's tazkirah touched on rezeki and work. I forgot what the words were exactly, but the main point is that Allah provides... up to us to look for it. And for me, I pray that by being the source of love and light and happiness for my husband and son would be the source of blessings and barakah in my life. Not by some day job that has turned into something I dread waking up to in the morning.
The next time you see me going to work half-assed, or think that I am not putting my heart into my job, I hope you have this in mind: this is just a day job. I have other responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, and believe me when I say you will never know the struggle of holding everything together until you become a parent.
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